that's ME

Just any boy, with

beliefs, disbeliefs, decisions, precisions, feelings, fears, gears, notions, motions, what not!! everything about everything in life... MY life and MY thoughts

Moments... survived.. surviving

Like someone spalshing water all over with a bucket... cold water.. hitting hard.. couldn't open my eyes... through a small slit between my eye lids.. I could see few lights.. dimmer ones farther and some bright and near.. constantly changing postions... Incapable of estimating the speed!

I had to reach home!! I could have waited! No, I had to reach home!

My hands holding the bike's handle... they looked pale.. they looked wrinkled... they were shivering/// Indeed my whole body was shaking... eyes opened only If I saw downwards!! rain has formed a continuously running water-film on my eyes... For sometime I drove with one hand, using the other to wipe water off my eyes.. I tried hard to stop the cold leaking into me by cuddling into the raincoat (ya, I was wearing one.. which was of no use!)

It was two years back when I was riding home from Imliban.. around 12 in the night... My bike.. almost closed eyes!!... rash traffic.. our roads.. a downpour..!! Dunno how I survived that night!!!

When I reached home, I find my eyes bluee... face white as a ghost! and my body was shrunken due to the cold..

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This moment, I sit idle.. This moment that I'm here.. in this chair.. in my home, sweet home.. with brother whom I can see sleeping... and sense parents in the other room.. and feel happy about sona loittering somewhere around... The assurance of all these souls around.. the safety.. I get food on time.. I'm asked if I had lunch... If I had breakfast.. If I want something///

This very moment that I'm here.. that I'm idle.. though not happy about it, but surely not regretting about anything in life... This very moment

Wish every moment from now would be at least half better as this one!! pessimistic!!! well, even that doesn't help... many months are gonna be worse!!!

That fact makes me smile..!!

Help me!

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That was just one night through which I survived.. there are many more.. soo many more instances... every time I thought

"uuhh, this is it"

"this is the end"

"Ohh shit! it's over"

"Thank god!!"

I almost hit the edge of a divider! almost ran into an open man hole..! almost nudged the edge of the bus! Almost went under the tyres!!

Just soo many times.. It was always dangerous living on my bike... It's not the need to drive fast... but the frustration to lag behind so many!!! when the roads are empty, I drive much slower!!

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I feel like a hypocrite when I remember those things I told but couldn't do!!! not promises!! but other things!

I did many things I said.. I said many things I did!! but not those... those things which normal people don't try...

well, yeah that's it!!!

Escape

I was expecting patients (like lookin like patients) while entering the Institute of Preventive Medicine. Bewildered when I found tens of students like me who have come for some kind of vaccination. Seemed like only those leaving India require them!

Well, other than that went no where today! quite boring isn't it. well, I did supplement it however. When the shutters were just closing and people running home.

It was slightly drizzling and late in the evening when I was out to bring some crap.. I was returning home and while entering the apartment, my soul grunts "COME OOONN"

Pheww.. sigh!!! "Ok" I say and we (me, my soul) set out on a short trip. It was drizzling (I know!! second time) and cold... very cold.

The second time I come home.. same grunting.. and this time, went right to a flyover.. :-) :-) The wind blowing hard on my face.. Felt like a cold wightless handkerchief just drifting away on my face, touching my hair. When I sense my hair flying while driving, I feel like John Abraham's hair style.. well I see the mirror and I find wires on my head!

Anyone who asks me a lift, gets it. Yeah just as I passed one guy, I saw through the corner of my eye, he asking me lift and feeling maybe he missed the oppourtunity. I stop a few feet away... he comes running and asks

"ekkadi varaku velthunnaru?" (*with respect* "what's your destination??")

Me "Ahmmm... ahemmm!!! aumm! straight velthunnanu" (*pointing down the road* "I'm goin straight")

Smiling, he got onto the bike..

The rain striked harder now, the wind became louder. With lots of trouble he was trying to engage me in a conversation.

Trying to look backwards and shouting, I said "Nadapadam konchem kashtam ga undi, let me concentrate" (Let me concentrate on my driving)

I didn't see his face again till he got down. He conveyed his Thanks. Immediately I took a U-turn to go back. Now, his eyes were fixed on me. He was surely more grateful now. I liked the look and the thing that I'm gone crazy these days :-)

The wind got louder and the roads got noisier but a faint but high pitched "Thank you very much" managed to reach my ears.

A faint smile managed to escape my lips.

just checking e-mail posting

same thing@!